My Dad Sudden Passing

Hello readers, by the time i wrote this post, it has been already 3 month since my dad left us. He was only 64year old at the time of his passing. My dad sudden passing has shocked everyone in the family and probably one of the darkest moment throughout my whole life that i experienced so much grief, guilt and regrets. I was not at my dad side when he passed away.  I feel guilty because days before his passing, we had an argument, and i was so angry that i went back to my house to stay the next day after our argument, we didn't talk much after that and i was not the kind that will talk first to break the ice, and our last conversation is probably when i was heading home and i forgot my wallet so he called me which i did pick up as he told me to wait as my mum head down to pass me my wallet. That was really the last words we spoke.

I was staying most of the time at my mum place since i was still working from home and usually only went back my own hse during the weekends. Days before his passing, i have some gathering with my friends on 16 and 17 Dec so the original plan was for me to return back to my mum house to pick Kai on 18 Dec morning and we will go to my uncle house on that sat morning.

So i was hanging out at my friend house on 17 Dec night and none of us expect my dad to pass away in the wee hours on 18 Dec, i only remember on 17 Dec night, i was feeling v giddy suddenly after dinner and i could feel my baby strong movement constantly as i remember telling Jeremy even after we head home, before i went in bed that the baby is moving too much tonight, i didn't expect in a few hours time, my dad will be passing on.

So around 5am, my mum called Jeremy because usually my phone is on silent mode as i don't like to have anyone disturbing me with all the message notifications because sometimes it will wake me up and i can't go back to sleep again, she told us to rush back because my dad was not feeling well, i was not sure how the conversation went but it was to tell us to rush back and i thought my dad was just feeling breathless and after making sure they have called an ambulance, we headed back home immediately.

When we reached my mum house downstairs, i saw the was ambulance and SCDF vehicle was here, we went up and my mum was already crying while telling me the medic has told her my dad has no more pulse. When my dad took his last breath, my sister, mum and kai was beside him. Usually my sister goes back to her in law house on friday but for that particular day she was staying over at my mum's.

I think she was in extreme shock from witnessing the whole ordeal.

The medics was still trying to resuscitate him, i can never forget the scene when he was already being laid on the stretcher in the living rm and he has lose consciousness by now while they are still trying to save him. The medic asked if we still want to send him to the hospital because i think they was very sure he has no more pulse and has passed away but we insist to send him to try again even if the chances is slim. I refused to believe that he is gone just like that, after they send him, i was still praying and hope that my dad can be rescued, he has not even see his second grandchild that was going to be born in Mar. I remember he was telling my mum the house will be more lively with two grandkid in the family next time. Never did i expect when he was being carried out of the house would be his last time leaving the house and not coming back anymore.

My mum told me the night before Kai was fussing and refused to sleep and pointed to the door as he want to go out, he was sleeping with my mum while my dad was sleeping in another room and my sister was sleeping in my room. As i was at my friend house but Jeremy did went back to my mum's place and he told me my dad looks normal and he even ask him to bring back some food that we can eat for next day breakfast. Everything seems like a typical normal day.

So about 3 to 4am, my sis heard our dogs barking nonstop so she get up from the bed and check that my dad was eating some medicine in the kitchen as he told my sister he was having body ache and my sister even offer to use the massage machine gun to help him massage and he say he was feeling better, and still ask my sister to help him to do awhile longer, my mum even told him maybe he should just take the day off and rest but he could still tell my mum he will feel better later and that he can still go to work later.

However according to them, my sister told me my dad started to feel really uncomfortable after she help him to massage and he was suddenly seem unable to control himself when he suddenly drop on one side, unable to move and his tongue was sticking out and she got really shocked and called my mum, at that time i think my mum told me she couldn't help my sister because kai was crying nonstop and he look really afraid and refused to let my mum enter the room that my dad was in.

So they called for an ambulance and by then i think my dad probably has lost consciousness and through the phone, they was teaching my sis to do CPR for my dad. But because of my dad size, he was pretty heavy and my sis being petite, she wasn't sure if she did it correctly. 

But my mum was telling us before my dad took his last breath, when she was still in the room before kai woke up and fuss, he mentioned that he became like this due to the booster dose that he took for this covid vaccination.

He took the booster dose just 1 month ago, and he has no pre existing heart conditions at all, even though he has high blood pressure, mild diabetic and cholesterol, he do smoke as well however he has not mentioned about his heart giving him any condition. 

Few months back, my mum do dream of someone telling him that my dad lungs has some infection and the way she explain was the virus is slowly eating up his lungs so she did told us and initially i told him i will accompany him when he go back for his next medical review to request referral to check on his heart/lungs condition. We did ask previously if he was feeling uncomfortable but he say he was fine and there was nothing wrong with him. His next medical appointment was due to be on 28 Dec 21 but it was too late as he has passed on.  There is probably a few tell-tale signs but we failed to notice at that time, sometimes as i reflect, if only we have been more attentive, maybe my dad wouldn't pass on.

I remember when we went back during weekends, it should be weeks before my dad passed on, my mum would called me and told me that they went to the market and my dad has dabao food for kai and he will drive to my place just to pass the food to us even though we usually go back my mum house by sunday afternoon.

I didn't think too much of it as something out of the norm, i thought it was because i told my mum i usually only cook when i woke up to prepare food for kai unlike my mum who is an early riser and will ensure food is ready before kai wakes up and my dad probably dote on his grandson and want to ensure i doesn't starve his grandson so when he went out with my mum during weekends weeks before his passing, he will drop by my place to pass us food. He don't even visit us at my house, its really asking us to wait at our house carpark to pass us the food.

And i thought it was troublesome for them to specially dabao for us, i mean it's just weird when it should be us buying food for them and not them buying food for us kind so i told my mum after a few time that they don't have to specially buy food for us because we can buy ourselves, i just didn't want to trouble them and my mum did told my dad but she say at that time my dad seems to have change without saying much and stop buying after that.

He has also try to make my mum angry for eg, whenever we are not at home, he will buy for his own food without buying for my mum so she will get angry and complain to me and i thought it was ridiculous why my dad would buy only for himself and not for my mum when he can buy for his grandson, maybe it was all this little thing that he purposely did to make us get angry with him so we wouldn't be upset when he leave us.

But that obviously doesn't work because it was just too sudden when he left us. We were just overwhelmed with grief.

So after he was sent to the hospital, we follow shortly, bringing kai along with us, i remember we was waiting outside the emergency area and when the doctor came out and announce that they have tried their best and my dad has passed on, the feeling, it just hurt so much. all of us broke out in tears and i remember kai wanted me to carry him so i was still carrying him while crying and he was trying to pat me probably to comfort me. It was a harsh reality that we have to accept that my dad has passed away.

With my dad passing, it has shown me the fragility of life, you really never know whether you will still be alive when you woke up the next day.

His death cause was due to acute myocardial infarction, in simple terms it is similar to heart attack. 

Maybe there was some tell tales when he mention on that fateful day he was having body ache and breaking out in cold sweats but at that time i guess we didnt know that this was symptoms of heart attack. Sometimes i wonder if he woke up to eat medicine and we call ambulance whether he would have a chance to survive when the correct medicine is administer to him. We just didn't think that body ache or breaking out in cold sweats are symptoms of heart attack and that we should call the ambulance as soon as possible.

My mum has asked us to contact my god-brother which is my cousin when we was on the way to the hospital, so when my cousin arrived, and after understanding the whole situation, i think he knows it is likely we have to be prepared for the worst as he started to contact the funeral services. I didn't want to think to that stage at that point of time because i was hoping there could be a miracle.

However when it was clear to us that my dad has indeed passed away and they was cleaning him up before we take turns to go in to look at him for the last time, it was just too painful to bear.

I can't believe that it will be in this way that he left this world, it was just too sudden.

My mum was overwhelmed with grief but there was decision to be made regarding my dad funeral and she is the kind that doesn't like to make decision so she say leave it to my cousin to handle, but my cousin will still ask us to decide since we are the closest kin of my dad.

So beside coping with grief, there was tons of decision to be made, it almost feel like you have to maintain a clear and sound mind to make decision while grieving at the same time. Naturally this responsibility lies on me since i am the eldest daughter. I will make the decision while my sister will execute based on what needs to be done and we had to go back to our house to do all the necessary.  

For eg, we have to decide whether to do a buddhist or Taoism funeral. To decide whether to host a 3,5 or 7 days wake. The cost is also different as my cousin explain to us that buddhist funeral is typically simpler and cost cheaper but it doesn't make sense for us to choose that since our religion is Taoism.

So we decide on the Taosim type of funeral, and i decide to host a 5 days wake because 3 days is too short and 7 days is usually for people who has live more than 80 years old. So we spilt up the work, my sister and bro in law register my dad death at the hospital follow by waiting for the funeral undertaker to collect my dad body for embalming before transferring him back to our house. At the same time, my sister has book the multi purpose hall to held the wake. Our house downstair multi purpose hall happen to be having another funeral so we had to book the next nearest multi purpose hall.

For our side, we informed our relatives about my dad passing, initially i had another upcoming xmas gathering with my friends on xmas eve held at my house that has to be cancelled since it is impossible, i have also informed the caterer if its possible to cancel the order due to my dad passing. Fortunately, they was very understanding and was able to do a refund for me as well. My close friends was pretty shocked when i told them the news of my dad sudden passing because there was no signs beforehand at all that my dad was sick etc. I have also informed my RO to inform that i will be taking compassionate leave in the next couple of days. 

Jeremy send us to the market after we left the hospital to buy red paper as according to the traditions, we need to ensure all the mirrors are covered up, all our god statue has to be all covered up until the end of the wake. the bed that my dad was sleeping has to be lifted up as well. The purpose of lifting the bed up was to tell my dad that this place doesn't belong to him anymore and he has to move on, covering all the mirror so that he will not be shocked to see he has no shadow/reflection etc even though according to belief, one doesn't know they have passed away until the 7th day. I don't know how they wouldn't know they have passed away or how they only realised until the 7th day, but i am a strong believer of afterlife. I wish and hope that my dad is still alive in the afterlife just that he is not longer with us in this existing world.

We have to decide the photo to use for my dad wake and it was such a tough decision to made as i have to start scrolling through the photos we have and my sister did send me a few that she took for my dad to do his IC but he look just so sad that i couldn't stop crying when i see the photo, then my sister show me the photo she has of my dad smiling during her ROM and i cried so badly too while trying to digest the fact that he has passed away. Even as i am writing this post, i think i am losing so much tears again as i think of my dad. Before he pass on, he was telling my mum that he probably wants to retire in the next 2 years, he has worked hard throughout all his living years and he should be enjoying his retirement in his older years but he didn't even have a chance to sit back and relax and just gone like that. Life is so cruel to him, he didn't have a good childhood and spend his whole life working, raising us until we are self sufficient, bring food back to the the table for the family even though he was not highly educated, and his job is not exactly easy, even though we are not well-off, but he has tried his best to raise us and we never have to worry about money in terms for our education or for food etc.

Prior to the wake, as we have to wait for the funeral services to set up all the necessary, my mum has instructed that we have to remove all the accessories that we are wearing and that we are not allowed to wash our hair or shower with soap throughout the wake until the whole funeral ended otherwise my dad will be suffering which all of us abide to it. At the same time, my mum had to pack the clothes that will be placed inside the coffin, and also a set of the clothes that will be display together with the photo at the wake. 

I am thankful that our relatives headed down to our house upon hearing the news to offer their condolence as well as to see what they can help out at the wake. Everyone was at my house before my dad body was being transferred back and i was not allowed to go down to the wake as i was pregnant so i have informed the funeral planner and they told me i can go down after they have shifted my dad coffin etc and i had to wear a red string with a key around my belly throughout the wake and after the end of the funeral, i have to keep the string and the key in a red packet and burn it after my baby is born and turns full month. 

This was the set up that was done after i decide on my dad photo. 

 

We engaged the prestige funeral services, it was a contact that my cousin has and overall we were grateful they have managed to plan everything nicely and my dad had a grand send off which i be sharing the photos in this post. As my dad is considered young when he passed on so they have added 3 year to his age so it was stated 68 year old.

We have to decide the coffin to use and since my dad dialect is hokkien so we choose the one with lotus design. I remember the first night, it was raining heavily throughout the night, it was just like how our tears was overflowing throughout the day. I didn't know how i had the energy when i had only 4hours of sleep but manage to stay throughout and asking my mum and sister go up and rest because i am not tired and wanted keep awatch during the first night of my dad wake. 

Everything was set up by afternoon and we saw the LED wreath that was send by my uncle and cousin was being set up as well.

Greatly appreciate all the LED wreath, condolence blanket and flowers that was delivered to my dad's wake. 

I think another challenge was to handle my toddler, as he may not be aware of what is going on, so despite us grieving, we need to stay strong at the same time to take care of my toddler as well as the little baby growing inside my tummy. For the first time, i remember it was alright for me not to eat anything because i just don't have the appetite. 

I hate to cry and i don't like to show anyone that i was crying, but tears just couldn't stop flowing whenever i look at my dad photo or when we are burning incense paper for him. It was too hard to accept yet we are forced to acknowledged that he has passed on.  Even till now, from time to time, i will still weep silently in the night as i think of my dad. I guess only times will 

We are thankful for all the condolence flowers, blanket, led wreath that we have received, we try our best to give our dad the best grand off as possible. 

My dad really dote on kai, so it was very sad that he didnt get to hear kai call him ah gong before he leave this world too soon. 

So during the last day of the day, we have pre-ordered the number of flower basket that our relatives will pay at their own cost as the final offering to my dad. 

We follow according to the tradition for eg, daughters need to offer pig head and other offering on the last day of the sending off.

As my dad has no sons, so for son-in-law, they have to offer live band performance for my dad on the sending off day and the songs played only make us cry even harder.

After the ritual by the sai gong is completed, we have the big head dolls performing for my dad for the one last time accompanied by the clanging symbals before they will close my dad coffin and preparing to send for cremation. 

As i was also pregnant at that time and kai was very needy, keep asking to be carried either by my mum or by me. But surprisingly during this whole performance, the clang clang sound is so loud and he was sleeping soundly in his stroller and his stroller is just within the multi purpose hall so by right he should be awake but he didn't.

He only woke up when the entire performance ended which makes me wonder if it was my dad blessing to keep him asleep first as he watched the final performance prepared for him so we didnt have to look after him so much as we were crying so badly.

After all our family and relatives pay their respect to my dad, the funeral services company staff pay their respect too before they start to prepare to move my dad coffin and getting ready for the send off.

Instead of a simple hearse, we opt for the traditional hearse and was surprised there was another additional vehicle as shown below, it actually look quite nice but the songs play during the send off is enough to send us crying again. 

Due to covid so there was restriction on number of pax being able to enter the mandai columbarium so the funeral services has prepared these cars that will be sending us over and back, for family and relatives that is following.  

This was the sending off, we have arrange for people to carry my dad coffin during the send off. 

It was my first time sending off my closest kin off at mandai columbarium 

So the emcee get us to pay our final respect and say what we want to say to our dad for the last time before we shift to the glass area to see the coffin being send in for cremation.

I swear this is the most heartbreaking moment as we saw the coffin being pushed in and there is nothing much we can do except to ask my dad to get away because the fire is coming. 

The next day, we went to collect my dad ashes and it has dawned to me that my dad is really gone and what's remains are just his ashes. Even though i still believe he just left this world to the afterlife world. a world that we can't see him anymore but maybe he can still see us. 

There were so much things to do after my dad passing, we had to pray on my dad 7th day of passing follow by continuous of 49 days praying to my dad 2 meals and i am just very thankful that my company has allow me to continue working from home until i go for my maternity leave so i can keep a lookout for my mum. 

According to traditions, they say the soul of the person passing will return back to his house and check the house has everything before he willl leave in peace so we make sure that the rice has top up to the max, and we have to sleep early so my dad can come back. After the funeral, i think it has taken a toll on me because i had less than 4hour of sleep everyday for straight 5 days and during the 7th day i am really too tired i couldn't stay up to see if my dad did came back.

The next day even though we can't see any handprint on the rice container but there were some spill rice on the table which i was very sure no one touch the rice and the table was cleaned before we went to sleep, so it may be true that my dad did came back.

I was hoping to dream of him but i never did until few months after his passing. 

I remember i was very happy in my dream when i saw my dad returning back and the setting was in our house living rm setting and i was asking my dad alot of questions in my dream of how it was in the other world etc and he will answer me etc. After i woke up, i feel so surreal, maybe it was his way of telling me that he is good in another world.

Every now and then whenever i think of my dad, i still couldn't help feeling emotional and started crying silently in the night. 

I hope he is doing well in another world and i have also been telling him that he can be assured i will still be taking good care of our family, my mum etc. 

I shall end this post for now. Till then.